Seren Kjerkegor: Dnevnik zavodnika (odlomak)

"Prokleti slučaju! Nikad te nisam kleo zato što si se pojavio, kunem te zato što se uopšte ne pojavljuješ. Ili je to možda tvoj novi pronalazak, neshvatljivo biće, neplodna majko svega, jedini zaostatku iz onog vremena, kada je nužnost rodila slobodu i kada je sloboda dozvolila da se prevarom vrati u majčino telo? Prokleti slučaju! Ti, moj jedini povereniče, jedino biće koje smatram dostojnim da bude moj saveznik i moj neprijatelj, koji si uvek istovetan samom sebi uprkos svojoj neistovetnosti, stalno neshvatljiv, stalno zagonetka! Da, ti, koga volim celim svojim bićem, u čiju sliku se sam pretvaram, zašto se ne pojavljuješ? Ne moljakam, ne preklinjem te smerno da se ovako ili onako pokažeš, jer takva služba bogu bilo bi idolopoklonstvo i neprijatna u tvojim očima. Izazivam te na borbu, zašto se ne pojavljuješ? Ili se zaustavio nemir univerzuma, da li je tvoja zagonetka rešena tako što si se i sam survao u more večnosti? Užasne li misli! Tako se, dakle, svet smirio iz dosade. Prokleti slučaju, čekam te! Neću te pobediti principima ili onim što tupi ljudi nazivaju karakterom, ne, ja hoću da te opevam! Neću da budem pesnik za druge, tebe ću opevati i proždreti vlastitu pesmu, i to će biti moja hrana. Ili me ne smatraš dostojnim tebe? Kao što bajadera igra u čast boga, tako sam se i ja posvetio služenju tebi; polako, slabo odeven, poslušan, nenaoružan i bez ikakve odbrane, odričem se svega; nemam i ne želim išta svoje da imam, ništa ne volim, nemam ništa da izgubim, ali zahvaljujući tome nisam li postao dostojniji tebe, kome je, nesumnjivo, već odavno dosadilo da otimaš ljudima ono što vole, tebe, koga je umorilo njihovo kukavičko uzdisanje i njihove kukavičke molbe. Iznenadi me, spreman sam, bez uloga daj da se borimo za čast. Pokaži mi devojku, pokaži mi mogućnost koja će izgledati nemoguća, pokaži mi je u senovitom carstvu donjeg sveta, ja ću je izvesti napolje, neka me mrzi, neka me prezire, neka voli drugog, ne plašim se; ali uzburkaj vodu, okončaj bezvetricu. Bedno je da me tako izgladnjuješ ti koji uobražavaš da si jači od mene."




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